Marriage Strain During Illness: The Reality of the Caregiver Husband

Can I be real with you this week? Marriage strain during illness is a weight that nobody prepares you for, and honestly, I am exhausted. I am struggling to create a guide or review this week for my few readers. Wifey has been dealing with a lot of medical issues this past year that has lead to no sex going on a year now. On top of all that, I have turned into the caregiver. Not just for her, but also the house, dog, and daily life. So I am just going to write for me. I would love for you to read it and relate. But if you don’t, okay check out my other posts.

The Shift from Lover to Life-Support

When my wife’s health issues started, I stepped up. I would not change my actions for the world. I love her to death. I started this Blog to build a community and talk to people who want to stop the stigma on positive sex and intimacy. But somewhere in the middle of it all, the “husband” part of me started to fade into the background.

I think its important to recognize that no intimacy is not the only reason both our fuses are so short. But it doesn’t help. I just highlight that part on the blog because that’s the focus of the blog. I want to be clear, stress in relationships take many forms and can come from multiple sources at once. I believe you can have stable and healthy relationships without intimacy. Its the drastic shift from lover to caregiver that I had to learn quickly. That being said:

When intimacy leaves the room, the oxygen goes with it. You start to feel less like a partner and more like a roommate who happens to do all the chores. And because you love her, you feel like a monster for even thinking about your own needs.

The Short Fuse and the “Nothing” Fights

Lately, we’re fighting more. Not about the big stuff (at least not always), but about the next days errands or the frustration with the doctors’ offices.

We aren’t fighting about the little stuff; we’re fighting because we’re both drowning and there’s only one life jacket.

She’s frustrated because she’s trapped in a body that won’t cooperate. I’m frustrated because I’m trapped in a cycle of caregiving that has no “off” switch. We’re both on edge, waiting for the other person to snap so we have an excuse to let out all that pent-up stress. On top of all that, I have a month long work trip across country coming up and she wants to come. That means loading her and the dog in the car for a cross-country road trip and ensuring her special diet can be met with the big cooler in the trunk.

She asks me why I’m being “short” with her. I want to say “Because I haven’t had a full night’s sleep or a moment of physical affection in six months,” but instead, I just shrug and say I’m tired.

I do this more often than I would like to admit. We are usually pretty good about communication. Hell, we managed to get this far being open and communitive. Check out my first few posts about talking to her about sex toys or sex doll torsos. But its hard to be honest when there is nothing she can do. I just end up feeling like the bad guy for complaining. We have had those talks, sometimes after I “blew up”.

The Human Scale of “In Sickness”

This isn’t a “how-to” guide. I don’t have five easy steps to make your marriage feel like a rom-com again while you’re balancing a medical crisis and a household.

Sometimes, love is just staying in the room when you want to leave. Sometimes, love is the “forced making out” that doesn’t lead to sex, but just reminds you that you’re still a couple. But most days, love is just heavy.

If you’re in this foxhole with me, know this: It’s okay to admit it sucks. It’s okay to be a “good husband” and still feel like you’re losing your mind. Admitting the strain doesn’t mean the love isn’t there. It just means you’re human.

We’re still here. We’re still fighting. And for today, maybe that has to be enough.